I got in my mailbox today, a booklet, taped shut, entitled “What’s
Next? Are You Prepared? San Francisco Edition”, with pictures of the
city and “earthquakes, tsunamis, terrorism...” printed across the
bottom. I thought it was an emergency preparedness pamphlet,
until I got to the part inside that assured me that “God has charted a course
to safety for all His children who are willing to follow him”
(apparently his children who aren’t willing to follow him he will leave
in harm’s way, shrieking ‘Oh, if only I had followed him!’ as they
succumb to the roiling waters or blazing inferno their benevolent
father has ushered forth for them).
This booklet is printed and distributed by a non-profit organization
who professes in the fine print, to be “dedicated to sharing the truth
and hope of Jesus Christ with every home in North America”.
Holy crap. What’s
this? Who is this
Jesus guy? Never heard of him before. I had
no idea
I could be saved from the eternal flames of hell! Thank goodness that
this group has decided to spend millions of dollars publishing and
distributing booklets to every household in America instead of using it
to actually, you know, feed and clothe and love less fortunate people
(being a college graduate, I have sniffed around and, unlike most others left completely in the
dark about this, have discovered some vague rumors that this “Jesus” was advocating such things). What’s needed in America, where people have absolutely
no access to this obscure information or the teachings of this guy
(apparently there’s this very rare, out-of-print book called the
“Bible” where you can see some of it), is a full-on marketing campaign
where you make people think they are reading an emergency preparedness
manual, and then kablouw! Jesus. God. Eze. 28:15, John 3:16. Because
then they will suddenly believe, never ever (nunca unca, jamais amais)
having had the opportunity before to think about whether or not they
believed in God and Jesus and evil snakes and pox and plague and
locusts and being bad bad
sinners in the hands of an angry God before.
What a
relief that millions and millions of dollars have been spent to
help us reconsider what we want to believe! What a blessing that a
woman like me, who tries to treat others with love and respects life on
earth (silly me), can be saved from my certain damnation, just like the
spiritually saved
people who really “get” it and are currently deciding
to bomb other people in Iraq. Cause this is what I found out, and
who
knew? All you have to do to be saved is simply say you believe. And
maybe get people to give you lots and lots of money to spread that
“exit clause” around the world. So do not fear the melting of the ice
caps, nuclear annihilation, depletion of natural resources. You don’t
have to do anything else, apparently. It totally rocks! Then you’re
totally saved, and bombs away!
